Where do I put all this love I have for him?
Atok passed away almost 5 months ago, and I haven't had the time to tick off "grieving" from my to-do-list. I tried keeping myself occupied, first it was coursework season then careers' fair season, soon came spring break, exam season and as much as I can just give myself more reasons to withheld grieving my dead Atok, but deep down I know that if I start grieving, I acknowledge the permanence of his death. I want to retain the mental imagery of him that I have. In my head, me and Atok will continue having teh beng and ketayap at the coffee table in Pasir Kelang, Kelantan. He would talk about his kebun durian and how he got to harvest a lot of Durian Musang King and how his cow birthed another calf. Nothing bad ever happens to us, to him. The worst part about grieving is not when you are all alone in your bed with the curtains close and lights off, but when it creeps in when you are surrounded by people in a crowded room and all you can think about is how you did not
