Where do I put all this love I have for him?

Atok passed away almost 5 months ago, and I haven't had the time to tick off "grieving" from my to-do-list. I tried keeping myself occupied, first it was coursework season then careers' fair season, soon came spring break, exam season and as much as I can just give myself more reasons to withheld grieving my dead Atok, but deep down I know that if I start grieving, I acknowledge the permanence of his death. I want to retain the mental imagery of him that I have. In my head, me and Atok will continue having teh beng and ketayap at the coffee table in Pasir Kelang, Kelantan. He would talk about his kebun durian and how he got to harvest a lot of Durian Musang King and how his cow birthed another calf. Nothing bad ever happens to us, to him.

The worst part about grieving is not when you are all alone in your bed with the curtains close and lights off, but when it creeps in when you are surrounded by people in a crowded room and all you can think about is how you did not spend enough time telling your loved ones that you care about them, or love them enough. Grief creeps in when I was infront of the bridge in Amsterdam, wishing that I could go home and show you all the places that I have visited, or atleast the pictures I took. Grief creeps in when I hold unto my necklace, which I always hold for support whenever I feel scared or hopeless. The one you gave me that I never took off for years. Now I have to remember you longer that I know you. 

I did not get to say my farewell to you when I was in Malaysia last summer, I thought you would always be there. Now you are 6 foot deep and the thought of visiting your grave scares me because I could not comprehend how your life stops when I can still see the video that I recorded of you from last two years when you were feeding the cow. I have seen the pictures I have of you, you still alive on the screen. Your hands used to fit into my palms, now you weight enough to make a mark on my pillow.