i like my men all incompetent

 “when men disappoint me, i think you’re just a man. but what i really mean is: you could be so much more.”


While Lana Del Rey and Sabrina Carpenter might have made famous the phrase “man child”, Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist, coined the term “Puer Aeternus”, which is Latin for eternal child, to describe a psychological phenomenon that represents an adult whose emotional development remains at an adolescent level. Since the mid-20th century, Marie-Louis has long observed the trend of men (and women) who were well into their adult years but remained psychologically stunted in their maturation. They kept up with their physical development, but their mental development failed to keep up with the pace.

Marie’s prediction was correct that in the coming decades, the problem with having “Peter Pan-like adults” would affect individuals across the world. Many works cited the role of having present parents, not just physically but also emotionally, in nurturing kids in avoiding this phenomenon. According to a survey, only 17% of American men reported having a positive relationship with their father in their youth, and in most cases, the father was either physically or emotionally absent. A disruption of a basic human nature is the key contribution to man-child.


Absent Father and Online Father Figure

An absent father situation either results from a lack of a father figure or having one that merely provides material support but offers no moral guidance. The issue became pertinent when more and more internet figures stepped up to fill this empty father figure and fatherly role model role, becoming, for good or ill, the “fathers of the internet”, like Andrew Tate and DMI Islam. Unsurprisingly, these “father figures” are not any better than the man-child’s absent father. These online father figures are the ones that incite hate on women and uphold patriarchal values. 


The most infamous online father figure would have to be given to Andrew Tate. Tate on his social media has repeatedly proven himself to be the absolute jerk; he claimed that rape victims should bear responsibility for their attacks, described women as property while calling them lazy, and also said that women belong inside the house. Whilst all these crazy statements are utterly insane, his millions of followers show how men still admire Tate and truly see this bald guy as the embodiment of masculinity and a true man.


Essentially, there are two reasons that explain his rise to fame. Firstly, Tate genuinely believes that he is God, a father figure or simply a gangster to younger boys in the “manosphere”. Additionally, his digital space serves as a platform for incels to advocate for their cause, and while real life might not usually celebrate their beliefs, these incels thrive in cult-like spaces like this. Whilst our young men are looking for mentors to guide them into understanding and finding their own definition of masculinity, Tatet easily fills the father figure role. Our young boys are looking for someone to guide them on how to become a man, and they accidentally led into Andrew Tate with his cocky posts of guns, cigars and his image of a “macho man”. 


A few years ago, a video of him whipping a woman with a belt surfaced on the internet. Not only that, he has received allegations of human trafficking, and we still have incels celebrating Tate over his what appeared to be motivational encouragement to be a better man, like going to the gym, which arguably is a good opinion, but you don't take advice from Hitler at all. This solidifies the need for society to provide better alternatives for our young men, such as better online father figures or even their own fathers to step up and be a better role model to their kids so that their kids don't have to turn to internet figures with a history of raping women.


Devouring Mother

However, we are far from the ending; the absent role of the father in one’s life is worsened with the role of the mother taking over both the masculine and feminine figures in the child’s life. The lack of a masculine figure forced the mother to become more authoritative in her parenting style. Additionally, a failure on the father's part to provide the mother with love and support creates an emotional hunger which she attempts to satiate through her relationship with her child. Jung describes this parenting archetype as the Devouring Mother. A devouring mother would overprotect and smother this man-child’s potential because she distrusts his ability to live independently, fears for his safety, and uses emotional manipulation to keep him close, thereby maintaining her nurturing role indefinitely. 

Devouring Mother in Malaysian Culture

We can clearly see the Devouring Mother character close in our Malaysian culture, the mothers who would not ever ask their sons to even raise a broom to clean the house, let alone cook for the entire house, the type of mothers that would idolise their imbecile sons who are sexual predators, stating that “My son would never do that.” Oh, they would. 


And when these mothers become mothers-in-law, they would treat their daughters as enemies. You wondered if the mother is having a romantic relationship with their sons, a sort of weird incest stuff. They would trash talk the wives of their sons, hoping that their sons would love and cherish them more than their wives for some sick reasons. And this runs deep; we have news of husbands beating their wives, and their moms wouldn't even bat an eye. 


Man Child Finding Another Woman to Be Their Mom

And the devouring mother phenomenon wouldn't just stop there; if a man-child doesn't remain dependent on his biological mother, he might desperately seek to find in other women a nurturing replacement or else lose himself in the comforting embrace of an addiction. According to Jung, when a child emerges into adulthood with a strong mother complex, he will not seek to develop his independence and evolve his consciousness and will be possessed by the spirit of regression. 


And in the denial of his own problem, the man-child would grow and cry for another mother figure to help him do his laundry and clean up after his dinner. This man-child would not grow up and would continue refusing domestic labour in his own house till his wife/partner simply started becoming a carbon copy of his mother, whom neither he respected nor saw as a person, simply used as a tool, a means to an end.


But as always, we love not putting accountability on this gender. What started as “boys will be boys” has grown into “men will be men”. It is a prequel to everything that we dismiss from ensuring that these men grow into proper-functioning adults in society, the opposite way that we demand from our girls. It makes you think that the boy that makes fun of the girl for liking bows and pink would become the man that would blame you over their incompetence and yet still rely on you to make a peanut butter and jelly. “The prophecy was written long before you learnt his name.”


In a relationship, partners of a man-child would act as a second mother that helps cover his incompetency and also compensate for the lack of emotional maturity that the man-child has. Women are often tasked with the responsibility of practical tasks like shopping and cleaning as the emotional labour. Women often have to take the role of caretaker of men that refused to acknowledge their daddy issues and lack of a father figure or the existence of an online father figure (Andrew Tate). 


And whilst most women have to be mothers at such a young age, women’s long history of performing work or taking over the responsibilities of men in relationships is very much less acknowledged and less compensated fairly. Similar to how (actual) mothers are not appreciated for taking care of the kids, which might be the idea of my next article!


Whenever you met someone that made you realise how there are so many man-children roaming around, you told yourself, “He is just a man.” The statement used to be an expression of anger and frustration, but now all that is left is a mourning of loss. “We have used words and expectations to slaughter the gap between what men could be and what they are allowed to become. Somewhere between boyhood and manhood, the expectations shift. Boys are knighted with freedom, and girls are burdened with responsibility. By the time we become women, we are exhausted of most things, but mainly of hoping they will meet us halfway.”


We can’t have this discussion without taking accountability for what we have allowed them to be. We always explain, forgive, wait; of their tantrums, of their irresponsibility, of their neglect. None of their actions have ever faced consequences; all that is returned is smiles, nods, plates of warm food and warm embraces. Women have always been expected to change their way of life to accommodate man-child disorder. And I have seen great, strong women who have fallen into the traps of man-children. “But their strength wasn’t freedom – it was endurance. Cleaning up after an irresponsible man is written into a woman's being. In carrying it, they taught me to lower my expectations, prepare for disappointment and wrath as though they were impending hurricanes, and measure my worth judging by how much I could endure.”

Reference

Comments

  1. AzyyJune 24, 2025 at 10:21 PM

    Enlightening read milo! Such a well-written article

    ReplyDelete

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