Performative Men are Not Qawwam

Before leaving the house, the performative men will make sure they have their tote bag ready, filled with books by female writers or poets such as Sylvia Plath and Jane Austen. Don't forget your wired headphones; how else are you going to listen to the newly released album by Laufey and Clairo? On your way to the theatre, please grab yourself a ceremonial grade of matcha drink from your local cafe. If you meet any women along the way, be reminded to inform those women that you constantly fight for their rights and sincerely apologise for the existence of period cramps.

The phrase 'performative male' started gaining its traction in summer 2025. Unlike other satirical phrases that mock male archetypes, this genre of male, for once, is a complete opposite of the redpill content that has been shoved down our throats for as long as we can remember. Whilst it is refreshing to see that men finally understand that having biceps (though I understand the appeal) is not enough to get ‘bitches’, performative males, dare I say, are more manipulative than the hypermasculine archetype we are used to.

Devaluation of Female-Coded Interest

At a first glance, a performative male is a male that superficially engages in female views and hobbies to gain approval from women. It is interesting to note both binary sides of this phrase. One side genuinely enjoys feminine-coded interests like visiting cute cafes and drinking matcha, but they are shamed and called performative males. On the other hand, one group of males genuinely puts up an act and opens the nearest female literature book just so that they can attract women. No matter from which perspective, we can see that there is a common denominator, and that is the devaluation of female interests.

Ever since I could remember, both in physical and in online atmospheres, women have always been shamed for our interests; the labels “cringe” and “boring” have always been used to describe our interests. You love listening to Taylor Swift? Ahhh, so basic. All you listen to is about love and romance. Try Imagine Dragons for once. Oh, you played games? Is it Animal Crossing and Stardew Valley? Sorry to break this to you, but those are not REAL games. Unless it is Mobile Legends or Grand Theft Auto, this conversation ends here. 

It is interesting to see that female fans of Taylor Swift are labelled as unoriginal, but male fans of hers are seen as revolutionary. You see, women have always celebrated having males in female-dominated fields, but we wouldn't get the same treatment when women start having an interest in male-dominated hobbies. You can easily find online discourses that shame women for being interested in sports only for the good-looking athletes. God forbid women enjoy something else that the society conditioned her to like.

The patriarchal system has made men view the things that women make or enjoy as lesser than, as something to ridicule regardless of merit. And when men inherently think lesser of women's interests, they don't even bother to learn about their female partners' hobbies or interests, let alone partake in them.

So, when patriarchal-infused men see other men that genuinely enjoy female-coded interests, they would label these men as performative men because these imbeciles wouldn't be interested in these hobbies in the first place without wanting something out of it. For them, feminine stuff is so shameful that they are ashamed of being seen as feminine. A guy that is secure with his masculinity wouldn't fear being seen with a female-coded hobby. Unless you feel threatened by femininity or you see anything that female does as uncool? And to those that unironically identify themselves as performative males: is your masculinity threatened when you drink matcha that you must inform people that you are doing it to get women? I can see right through you.

And when their pursuit of courtship is exhausting and when the hypermasculinity mask has worn out, they realise the only way to get females is to be interested in what women do; that is where they start becoming their very own ‘performative male’ that they criticised before. They now realise that having big muscles is not enough to get a girlfriend; they have to see women as an equal counterpart. Wow, the bar is in hell.

Performative Males are Worse than Redpilled Guy

I stand by what I said: actual performative males, or the male version of pick-me girls, are worse than the usual hypermasculine males because they at least have a slight understanding of the effect of the patriarchal system on females, but they don't have the capacity or the motivation to actually be a male ally; instead, they use it to fake their disguise.

Behind the stacks of female literature, behind the deceptive understanding of female suffering under patriarchy, performative males will act as if they care about the demeaning effect of the patriarchal system but still wouldn't actually advocate for the real thing. It's scarier indeed because now men know how to appear attractive without doing the heavy work of being a male ally.

While on the surface, men that are into female hobbies do convey an air of progressiveness and a non-toxic masculinity atmosphere, they still hold on to the same patriarchal system that benefits them; only this time they are using it to get women’s attention. It is an antithesis to toxic masculinity, but just deception repackaged in the shape of hypocrisy.

He doesn't really care about the #MeToo movement or even read any Jane Austen novel; he just wants you to know he reads.

He is not a soft boy; he only acts as if he put his guard down so he could weaponise his vulnerability. 

He is not a feminist when he insists that he is not like other guys but would force you to do something you are uncomfortable with because he earned it.

A sexual assault case broke Malaysian Twitter awhile ago about a guy with a prominent following who always advocated himself as a feminist but was caught raping a woman. This is why performative males that fake being a feminist is more dangerous because once you let your guard down because you think they are good men, they will use it against you. It is a tale as old as time in the Malaysian landscape. How many of us have had experience with or read in the news of religious figures who act like they are not like those redpilled guys, only to get caught in the headlines for being sexual predators? Beware of performative males because you would think they are your saviour, but they would be the ones that harass/assault you.

There is no shortcut in fighting patriarchy; you can't fight patriarchy without letting go of what the system benefits you.

Male Loneliness Epidemic is a Self-Inflicted Pain

Men often criticise dying alone, but when they resort to being a performative male instead of doing the hard work of learning how to be vulnerable, it is clear that they don't really value connection; they just want validation from the opposite sex or just bodily intercourse. 

And it is not just from potential partners that they lack emotional connection; when asked when the last time was that they told their male friends they love them, some would say they have never done that. Many of them still favour being stoic instead of vulnerable, which hindered emotional connection with their peers, which ended up leading them to male loneliness. We also need to hold accountable, red-pilled content that encourages boys and young men to the traditional notions of masculinity that are emotionally distanced and discourage open conversation.

The lack of emotional support is then requested by men from other women. Hence, why they fall in love easily whenever a woman is nice to them. They would fall in love with any woman that can communicate healthily. The only time that they are vulnerable, performative men would want you to clap your hands for them.

How Males Benefit from Fake Progressiveness in Marriage

Before I began reading more deeply about the female role in Islam, I too was caught up in what I now see as a form of fake progressiveness. As the daughter of a single mother, I used to believe that it was empowering for women to take on the breadwinner role, that times had changed, and that women could and should prove themselves capable of fulfilling the provider position traditionally held by men. At the time, I thought this represented liberation.

However, after exploring Islamic literature and reflecting more critically, I came to understand that Islam assigns complementary responsibilities to men and women, one as provider and one as nurturer. These roles are not meant to be rigid boxes, nor are they mutually exclusive. A woman can, of course, contribute financially and be a provider if circumstances require it. Likewise, men should not see nurturing as “beneath them”; they have a duty to be compassionate, involved fathers. The point is not about exclusion but about balance and accountability.

The problem arises when men abandon their God-given responsibility to provide for and lead their family. In Islam, men are described as qawwam, protectors and maintainers, a role defined not by superiority but by duty. Allah states in the Qur’an:

“Ar-rijalu qawwamuna ‘ala an-nisa”
 “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women.” (Surah An-Nisa, 4:34)

This verse does not grant men unchecked power or a license for patriarchy. Instead, it emphasises their responsibility: to protect, provide, and uphold justice within their families. This responsibility is not optional; it is something for which men will be held accountable in the Hereafter.

Yet many men today fall into what I would call performative progressiveness. Within marriage, this shows up as men claiming they are “not patriarchal” because they are comfortable with their wives working. But in practice, this often means they quietly retreat from their provider role while still expecting respect and authority in the household. Women are left carrying double burdens, both earning income and managing family care, while men congratulate themselves for being “modern”.

The same pattern appears outside of marriage too. In wider society, many men present themselves as progressive or “feminist allies” in public, but their actions do not align with their words. For example:

• On social media, they repost slogans about gender equality, but in private they still interrupt or talk over women in conversations.
• In workplaces, they claim to support women’s leadership but avoid challenging male-dominated cultures or refuse to call out harassment when it happens.
• In friendships, they speak of respecting women’s independence yet still expect emotional labour from women while offering little reciprocity.

This performance benefits men because it allows them to reap the social approval that comes with appearing progressive without having to change their own behaviour or give up power. It is essentially a safe way to appear “enlightened” while still enjoying the privileges of male dominance.

As a disclaimer, I fully believe in the gender roles outlined in Islam, men as providers and women as nurturers, but I also reject the idea that this means women should be financially dependent or stripped of independence. On the contrary, I strongly advocate for women’s independence in every aspect of life, whether financial, intellectual, or emotional, regardless of marital status.

If men truly believed in the concept of qawwam, their actions would reflect sincerity rather than performance. They would step up to their responsibilities in family life and challenge injustice in society. They would not merely wear the label of “progressive” when it benefits them socially but embody respect, accountability, and justice consistently. Anything less is just performance, a hollow display that benefits men while leaving women with the heavier share of responsibility.

Reference

https://www.washingtonpost.com/style/of-interest/2025/08/10/performative-men-matcha-gender-roles/

https://elle.in/life-culture/what-is-the-performative-male-epidemic-9606966

https://theboar.org/2022/06/how-can-i-be-sexist/

https://www.lifestyleasia.com/kl/culture/people/who-are-performative-men/

https://chrisreads.medium.com/confessions-of-a-performative-male-87dd165980f0

https://youtu.be/n_oYWwD62Ww?feature=shared

https://thankswehateit.substack.com/p/54-do-women-have-hobbies?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

https://hagarlives.blogspot.com/2019/07/in-search-of-my-qawwam.html