Why do we love, Love?

If you look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, he placed belonging of love right below esteem, this placement suggests to build self-confidence, you need to first be liked or be loved by others. We live off being liked, when someone approves you be it your personality, your achievement, or your lifestyle, you get this satisfaction feeling. "I did it, finally! I am worthy of love". 

Some might argue that self-esteem should come before seeking validation from others. And to some extent, that makes sense. How can one ever thrive on others’ validation forever, you still need to have some sort of intrinsic value within you, that way even if you lose the validation you get from other people, you still have yourself at the end. Because what if you get canceled over some racist tweets you made on Twitter when you were 15? Kidding. Just like confidence, you need to first fake it till you make it for others to see that you are confident.

But I still think Maslow was right. Receiving love from others indeed helps us learn to love ourselves. Remember when we were kids? All we wanted was to make our parents happy. When we took our first steps, we would glance back at them, hoping for their cheers and expressions of joy. It was their validation that made us feel good about ourselves. Maybe it's not exactly the same when we grow up, but I've seen many people who didn't realize their own worth until someone came along and showed them the love they truly deserved. And honestly, there's nothing wrong with that. We all crave love, and it's that desire that moves us and pushes us forward in life.

Now, let's talk about love and romance. It's funny how I've been into romance literature since I was a kid. Who knew a 10-year-old would be reading about marriage and love, right? I guess I've always been intrigued by the idea of love as this grand, transformative force. Sacrifices, personal growth, and the struggle to preserve friendships while harboring secret feelings are all elements that make these stories captivating.

One of my favorite tropes in romance novels is the "enemy to lovers" storyline. There's just something magical about two people who can't stand each other finding a way to connect and fall in love despite their differences. It's a testament to the power of acceptance and embracing each other's flaws. But hey, let's be real here, as much as I enjoy reading about it, I highly doubt it would work out the same way in real life for me. If I truly dislike someone, falling in love with them would probably be the last thing on my mind (though the characters in the trope often say otherwise!).

Anyway, moving on to my recent experiences, I found myself developing feelings for someone. Our journey seemed to mirror the romantic tales I'd read before. It started with a fun friendship filled with banter, and eventually, they confessed their feelings for me. I took some time to think about it and decided to explore a non-platonic relationship with them. They made me feel safe and comfortable, and I genuinely believed they were worth investing my time and energy into.

However, as time went on, I started feeling a bit uneasy about the traditional relationship trajectory. The whole "talking stage, boyfriend-girlfriend, then marriage" thing didn't sit quite right with me. I began questioning if I was fooling myself and sacrificing my values for instant gratification. Could a relationship that started in a non-Islamic way suddenly become halal and free of sin on its journey toward marriage?

After reflecting on my situation, I decided to message them and express that our relationship wouldn't work. While both of us shared the idea of dating to marry, I had reservations about being in a relationship before marriage in terms of its adherence to Islamic principles. Anything that could potentially lead to Zina, such as talking and dating, is prohibited in Islam. Even if we labeled our relationship as non-committal, simply chatting and spending time together would still be considered lagha, regardless of the labels we put on it.

On the other hand, the other option was to get married right away but it seemed like a significant step for me, one that I wasn't quite ready for. I didn't want to feel like my freedom was being taken away. Perhaps this is why I should avoid pursuing relationships with older guys, as they may be more inclined to bring up the topic of marriage due to their age and life experiences. It's actually quite funny how I ended up liking older guys. It all started as a joke with my friends, mentioning my liking for Colin Firth, who happens to be around 60. But of course, it was all in jest, based on his character in Bridget Jones, a hot and intelligent lawyer. I mean, who wouldn't like that? But in real life, it's a different story. If anything, my range for an age difference would be around 3-5 years at most tiber.

Alas, it has been a challenging week for me, filled with turmoil and difficult decisions. I like them but I know it would not be good for my Iman. It was a difficult decision for me because all I ever wanted is to be loved by someone, I have read thousands of romance literature, I am quite an expert and I'd make a hella good lover but true love should be pure and not something pursued outside what has been preached by religion. Maybe, that is what I lacked. Despite all those novels, I forgot that there is more to life than being liked by someone, God above all. I came to a realization that my decision to reject his confession was rooted in my love for God rather than for him. While I long for romantic love, I firmly believe that no one is worth compromising my principles and beliefs. It's not as though I haven't experienced situations before where I didn't get what I wanted, only to later receive something even better. But this time, it was difficult because if you ask me will I throw up thinking about them liking someone else? Of course I would.

Why do we love, Love then? I believe love gives us a sense of purpose. It fills our need to belong, having someone to rely on and to be relied on. Sometimes, love is the only element that moves us. I am doing this for love. I am doing this for someone I care about. With God, He is the ultimate source of love, who not only showers us with His divine affection but also implants within us the capacity to feel love for others. Beyond the fact that we are all His servants and that loving Him is a necessity and obligation, I believe that loving God gives us a profound sense of purpose, we live and do good deeds to earn His love. And if you truly love God, you would strive to listen and adhere (samikna wa atokna) to the rules and commandments He has set for us. By loving God, we embrace a greater purpose and find meaning in our lives. We understand that our love for Him is intertwined with our love for others, shaping our actions and relationships. Love, in its purest form, is a reflection of the love we have for our Creator. 

Sure, it will take me some time to actually move on, to fully convince myself that whatever I am doing is for the best, for my love to God. He reminds us repeatedly that if something is meant to be, He will grant it to us. Moreover, He affirms that good men are meant for good women, and vice versa. Perhaps it simply wasn't the right time for me yet, and I can use this opportunity to strive and become a better Muslim.

It's quite amusing, actually. Our closure happened at a bus stop, just like in that scene from Fleabag where she ends her relationship with a priest. I showed it to him. "It is God, isn't it?". And indeed, it is.