hope is a dangerous thing a girl can do

I am devastated, my expectations were crushed and this is not about finding who the blame, this is me addressing my feelings.

Earlier this week, someone invited me to go to Manchester with her for a 6 hours babysitting job for a pay of $50, the pay was the least of my concern, I was mainly happy that I would finally be able to see my friends at Manchester. The moment I got the invite via Instagram DM, I had this vision; meeting my friends, hugging them, catching up, gossiping like we used to do at college. But it was not certain at first whether I could accept the job offer or not since I was not sure if JPA would have its talk during that particular weekend or not. I stopped having serious anxiousness for awhile because life has been according to plan the past few months but that night I remember being nervous. Thoughts came to mind; what if I cannot go to Manchester? Mind you, this job offer covered my transportation, which means a 4-hour journey across United Kingdom, all the way from Southampton to my destination; Manchester. That would be amazing right?? The whole night I could not sleep, I didn't want my worst wish to happen; that JPA will have their talk that weekend, making me miss the opportunity to go to Manchester.

The next day, I contacted JPA and thank God, the talk is scheduled to the next weekend so that means I can go accept the babysitting job offer. I reached out to that person and found out my place was already replaced. I was speechless, all the visions I had, it would not happen. Words could not describe how heartbroken I was. It just made so hopeless.

Few days later, suddenly the person told me, the babysitting job became available again and I can go to Manchester, this time around I was certain that I could definitely meet my friends. I contacted few friends, we discussed my accommodation for the weekend "gateway" and one classmate even thought of having a picnic while I was there, even the topic of our gossip was already decided. Sure, I was happy but I just could not be true to my feelings, it just felt like I will not go to Manchester, I just had that feeling.

The night before the day we supposed to go, the person said that she was sick and cancelled the trip. I was expecting that actually; I wanted to be positive, which was not what I supposed to do lol. The incident messed with my mind so much,  I already cancelled the invitation my uni friends had given me to go visit some local places, I already freed my schedule and did some revisions beforehand so I can truly enjoy my visit to Manchester only for it to be cancelled.

So now the burning question is, is building expectations okay? Personally, it boils down into whether your plans can go according to plan or not. Obviously, you can't zoom in into the future. Not having expectations is super dull and unrealistic, come one you must have had imaginations of what could have happened, right? On the other hand, expectations and hope is dangerous because when it fails to happen what left is this heartbroken moments. COINCIDENTALLY, my Spotify is playing "Years from Now" by Aizat Amdan as of now.

So, one bad side of me convinced me to merajuk with this person (if I were petty, I would definitely do this too), but it was not entirely her fault, it was not like she was hoping that she had gotten sick, I am sure she was also looking forward to go to this trip. HAHAHAHAHA I am laughing because I can only muhasabah when I write, I had say this over and over again how writing really helps untangle all kebelengguan yang menganggu fikiran. If I had not write yet, any person who advise me to be patient and to look at the brighter side of it would definitely be smacked, because I want to feel my angriness and sadness, not to cari hikmah and stuff. Yeap, need to work on my anger issue hmm.

Till then.