being the very thing you hate

If there is one thing that I could get rid of myself is that I am overly sensitive. I have never knew I was that sensitive up until my mother pointed on how sad I was upon hearing that the accent a person has, might affect their mark for the speaking test for IELTS. My mind could not fathom the idea, how biased it was. I was legit crying about it during the online class, in which I had attended to, in my mother's room. Truth be told, it would never somehow influence me, I think my accent is okay and pleasant to be heard to. It was my friends' that I was worried for. Well apparently normal people won't feel as much emotional as I was that day. Yes, my therapist had agreed that my reaction was "extra" and normally people wouldn't even shrug to the idea.

Is it bad to be overly sensitive? I myself would not know. Personally, it is a god gift that I can sympathize to people despite not being in their situation but people around me make it feels as if it is terrible. Maybe they are referring to the way I react? I don't really know. Often I find myself being silent, not asking questions I don't really want to know. Or rather the answer in which I know would wound me even deeper. Like why my father had chose his new family over me or did my mother ever saw my father in me which explains why she said painful thing to me? Was it an alternative option for her that I resemble my father quite similarly physically and behaviorally and hurting me was the closest she can do to hurt my father? Ignorance is bliss, I truly hold on to this.

This week has been rough, a friend told me, a mutual friend has talked about me in one of their conversations. "Milo is overly sensitive, it makes thing awkward,". He is right, upon hearing that news I could not sit still and I had deleted his contact and removed him from my Instagram's following list. Indeed, I was overly sensitive. And I hate how I had reacted. 

Alright to justify myself (this is horrible, like a villain trying to morally correct their mistakes but I didn't kill anyone so let me do this) there are few reasons why I had decided to do those actions (deleting his contact etc.):

1) I looked up to this person

He was among the few people I found cool. Not just cool COOL but someone you really want to be friends with, someone you think you guys would have interesting conversation with.

2) He never showed he is uncomfortable with me

Maybe the blame is on me, I found it hard to establish mutual understanding. I thought I was good at reading people. This time I was wrong. All the time we had done events together, I think we kicked it off good. If I know I was making myself a fool, I would let myself out of his path.

3) He did show signs, but I was a fool

Few days before the revelation, we had joke around. 

"What are we?", I asked him. 

Listen, sometimes I am terrible in reading social cues. I need firm answers from people. Like;

"We are friends, right?", 

"Hey, that was a joke, obviously I was not being a jerk to you intentionally".

 Going back to the question, 

He said "We are acquittances,". 

Clearly, I thought he was joking, only is that he was serious and I was the clown for not reading the tone.

I think why I am particularly sad with this situation is that, I have not heard the phrase "overly sensitive" for quite sometime. So I have made a conclusion that I might had grown out of it. Apparently I have not. That is why I am utterly hurt. Alright, I have seen it now. This is what I had usually do. I am projecting the thing I hate to other people. Actually no I am still as blind as I was, all of this is complicated, my head hurts from thinking about it. I am going to let this sit for awhile maybe in few years I will figure this out and I will make a new post going against what Past Me had say, funny.

My rational mind had said this over and over that it is completely natural for people to find you uncomfortable (well as long as it not the majority, if so you clearly has something off with you). At least the dude really has something concrete as a proof why he does not find me pleasant. Albeit that, my heart is aching, I really want to know why is it that had made him find me overly sensitive but the answer would only break me even more, it is better that I speculated him. It is not a good trait, I do not know what to do, doing this has always been a thing for me. I am not getting out of my comfort zone for this. 

I am sorting my thoughts for now, I will add more when I matured a bit. 

Thank you and Bye!