bye bye 2021

Elo there,

honestly I don't know where to start, January 2021 seems so far away and to be blunt I couldn't even remember anything significant that happened during my semester 2, Jan till May but with the help of Google Photo let us dive in into several things that are important enough to be shared hoho.  

1) I got my driver's license!

This is such an honorable achievement because god knows how much I hated my driving class. Most of the time, learning is not a weakness, school is okay but sekolah memandu really humbled you. Being called lembap and the constant nagging from your parents forcing you to not ponteng kelas all awhile still having to attend online class.

Oh yea, talking about that, I had also crashed pagar rumah atuk because I mistook the brake pad with the accelerator. Hehe the gate costs about three thousand ringgit but luckily its darn old and apa orang kata, hidup segan mati tak mahu, memang dah ajal pagar tu. Iwan was the one in charge and it was his car, if it was Umi's I would be dead by now and you won't be reading this posts.

Not only my skill is terrible, I couldn't till now equip myself will all the related lingo.

This is what googled upon writing this subtopic:

My next years resolution would definitely to face my fear of driving, till then I would escape any opportunity to drive a car. 

2) I grew off my black shawl 

Aku sebenarnya tak ingat pun kalau aku pernah buat resolusi untuk explore more about fashion but I did realize after a few months into 2021 that I rarely sees myself in black hijab. Even the one that I was super obsessed on wearing, the black cotton shawl, I can no longer find it. It may seems insignificant sebab yelah tudung is tudung regardless, but it opens up many sides that even I, myself didn't know.

Like how great I look in maroon, how it makes me shine. Pink is cute but never bright pink because it makes my skin looks dull although I had smothered Hada Labo the nigh before. How to throw satin silk to any "boring" outfit and how my face is shaped prefectly whenever I use cotton shawl, make sure its not the eyelash type because it would only makes me hyperfixate because somehow the texture irks me. 

I think if you look deeper into it, fashions teaches you so much about yourself and how an outfit would totally lit up your whole day. I did a few experiment and the way you dress yourself really have its own energy that circulates you.

The day I wore red blouse for Taylor Swift's Red (Taylor Swift's Version) launched.

The day I wore Baju Kurung Kedah to British Council. This was my favorite day because the outfit was also inspired by amazing women from AWAS. Dapat rasa aura wanita kuat OMG.

I used to have doubts about certain colors and fashion, but it takes time to actually know what suits you or not.

Nude; doesn't suit my skin color

Red; isn't it too daring

Pink; we don't want to scream girly don't we? 

Mommy Jeans; it doesn't compliment your body, I afraid it will only makes you look older than you are.

3) Therapy and Diagnosis

This year I learnt much about lowering my walls, ever since before, I had always acted like I have things in my control. TLDR; I wont ask for help regardless how powerless I felt. Maybe it stemmed from the perfectionist, strong side of me that had define "independency" as being all alone.

Asking for help is difficult, surrendering your weaknesses, letting people know that you actually need help had always been an issue for me.

 It wasn't till this one evening, I was out for dinner with both my parents that I had suddenly cried myself because I was so stressed thinking about my assignments. That time, I didn't feel any sort of embarrassment, I just want to let things out. This was in March I think. As I had said before our semester two was online, the whole 6 months at home, without friends, being all alone really get into my mind. I think it was a wreck for all of us.

Note; There are other reasons for my breakdowns, which I am not open to share here.

In April, I had seen a therapist, regularly and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in July. 

It was great, getting labeled, that's the only way I can exactly find ease knowing whatever I am facing is valid and I am not overreacting but here comes another problem. I couldn't help but think how much of a failure I have become, not reaching 20 but yet I had already find something "wrong" in me.

4) Anti-depressants

Sertraline did a great job in numbing all the "negative feelings", but it had made me emotionless, in the early journey I remember faking my reactions because honestly there is nothing in the emotion compartment up here in my brain.

And again, this is where I had opened up to a few of lecturers about me taking anti-sertraline, took me a lot of courage to actually tells them what's up and it broke my heart that some of them even backlashed the idea of me taking it because they had believed that the medicine is not a real solution and I couldn't fully rely on those meds to be okay.

Pastu aku cam Apo, I don't even say negative statements like that to myself. I know they meant well but the execution didn't do justice. Now and then I will somehow get affected by those words, but hey its my life kan :)

Oh yea, the medicine also made me shed 8kg lol.

5) Friends

I couldn't express how grateful I am that I got to meet such amazing people in semester 2 and 3.

These people are the ones that held me in their arms whenever I got too overwhelmed, they would scold me whenever I called my antidepressants as "Ubat Orang Gila", they reminded me to be good to myself, they are the ones that would also remind me to take care of myself, they called me "My Love" and they are the ones that make me realize how life is worth living. Not to mention, the frequent "Jom riadah". I felt so much love and you know safe it made me feel.

I don't actually write this kind of thing, but you know who you are, Thank you so much. 

<3

To a stronger Milo in 2022!!!