i think i am running out of time

 rukun solat

1. Niat
2. Berdiri dengan betul

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   5. Rukuk’ serta *Tomakninah*

I started my new job a month ago and for some reason everytime I pray, as I go down for rukuk and sujud it made me think about rukun solat and how we are obligated to do tomakninah.

tomakninah is to pause and stay still for a brief moment in each physical posture.

Work has been….occupying me more that I wanted it to be, Id hate to bring work during my weekend so my working hours is stressful to say the least, there werent any moment where i was not thinking about the next things to check off, and unfortunately it does pill up. all of this on top of losing my previous routine, i love my routine, but between moving countries, crossing oceans, packing and unpacking, bidding farewell and crafting the perfect first impression, everything is all over the place, but dont mistake my complaints to me giving up, i will always conquer my new environment, i like to think that i am destined to be alone, i hate giving disclaimers but no this is not about fearing that i am going to die alone, i believe there are more pressing issue than that, but life for some reason has always placed me somewhere where i dont quite fit in at the beginning, like the odd shaped puzzle piece that you just keep alongside in the box in the hope that maybe it will all become clearer in the bigger picture.

like when i moved to kelantan at age 13, like a sore thumb trying to pick up kelantanese accent with my kl slang, or when i went to college in banting with no one i knew, or when i started university the only person from my scholarship body and also college, i always have to start from scratch.

so this is just something that i fortunately has guessed from my pattern recognition, even at work right now, im leading a team with people who are 10/15 years older than me, their background is very different than mine, and oh boy do i crave routine, but i shall make one later, let me just complain for now

there were times where it got so busy that i only remembered to go surau when it gets later and as i rushed my prayer, the rukun solat i memorised since i was at sekolah rendah agama bukit naga rushed, specifically tomakninah dan how i need to slow down.

sometimes if i find myself rushing to pray i humble myself by reciting surah al - asr, By the passage of time, surely humanity is in grave loss. how can a short surah with three verses which people often read so they can finish solah faster is the same surah that talks about time? how irony and beautiful that is.

and as i rush my prayer, i wonder, if allah is the owner of time, why do i act as if i am running out of time, especially when i am kneeling down on the prayer mat? o allah indeed humanity is in grave loss, o allah indeed nikmat tuhan yang manakah telah aku dustakan?

so i try to embody tomakninah in my prayer, to take time (which is something that i am not good at, im patient at certain things but i still find it difficult to relax especially when i still have so many things to settle, but alas), to actually focus on my tomakninah and how i can practise this in my day to day activity, to have tomakninah, to be at ease 

and as the season change, i pray that i can practise more tomakninah during and also outside solah, to be at ease and to take time

and i hope as i read this blog in the next few years i can do more tomakninah :)