i put all my lovers on the pedestal

my regular readers on this blog would know that i love writing about my romantic endeavours.

i have been thinking a lot about romance and relationships (like i always do,) and for once, i found myself not hanging up on the idea of being in one.

it is definitely not because i stopped believing in the divine fate of what is called, love, i really do, but for the first time in a long while, i find myself not clinging to the idea of one. i no longer imagine a future prematurely populated by someone whose last name I don’t even know yet.

i still (to a small degree) believe in timing, in serendipity, in the idea that some people arrive in our lives exactly when they’re meant to. but belief, can coexist with doubt. faith is harder to hold when my own parents are divorced, and when every scroll through tiktok feels like an expose on infidelity and affairs. my favourite tea thus far? B for brader. makes me laugh, everytime.

more than ever, i want to be a mother than someones girlfriend/wife/fiancee/partner.

i want to take care of a child, bath them, teach them algebra (and later send them to kumon) and remind them that failure isnt fatal. untill then, i will practice that care on myself. i will eat properly, suku suku separuh as i try to remember the correct order of the food pyramid, i will brush my teeth before bed, i will learn how to be gentle with my own body before being entrusted with a mini me. if its a daughter, id named her Juwita. buah hatiku, juwita. and then, inevitably (just like her stubborn mother), she’d go around with a completely unrelated food brand as her nickname.

i imagine raising her with softness. teaching her that strength doesn’t always look loud, and that love should never feel like something she has to earn. i want to give her what so many women before us were denied: choice. the freedom to want more, to take up space, to decide her own timing. i want her to know that her worth is not measured by how soon she matures, how easy she is to manage, or her ability to make herself convenient for the world.

i wonder, often, if i would make a good mother.

its the economy man... i had a to google the price of diapers.....RM43 tak ke gile (equivalent to 3/4 set ayam gepuk)

maybe this shift partially has to do with my resistance to the expected rite of passage of becoming a woman. for many of us, we come from a  long lineages of women who never had the luxury of choice. marriadge is something that happened to them, not decided. my own mother got married at the age of 21 in her first year of medical school and while she never stopped her career for us, i can see how much she missed by marrying so young. how much of herself she had to postpone, reshape, or surrender. i dont want to let go of my youth for marriadge, atleast not now.

but if im honest, the deeper reason might be this: i dont know how to love without elevating.

i put my lovers on pedestals long before they ask to be there. 

it has to do with my incapabilities of seeing potential lovers as people with unresolved bagagges that each all of us humans carry. i start idealising the person they might be, the strength they possess. as i derive joy from this high and when i land on the ground, the mask fell off and i see them for who they are. a flawed human being.

I put all my lovers on the pedestal.
and every time they fall, im surprised by the sound.