O gelisah, aku ada tuhan

There are times in my life when the path is unclear, do I take the first step or wait for the fog to clear?

o tuhan, aku ada kegelisahan

o kegelisahan, aku ada tuhan

I was contemplating writing this piece because this is such a stereotypical article written by a 20-something woman who is clearly about to start her life and is confused as to where to go first, but it is true, I am confused as hell, but the past year has shown me the power of letting go and letting God.

As a perfectionist, I tended to get to my notebook and write down a 5-year plan, a 10-year plan. Oh, Amirah in primary and high school was ambitious. According to my younger self, I should have gotten married and gotten a car for now, so younger me clearly was not being realistic.

In my final year of my degree, all of that realisation of what adulthood will lie down on me struck me. Thoughts of career, relationship, and family. It's definitely the things that kept me awake at night. Just thinking about how I can approach all aspects of my life as perfectly as possible with the least effort.

I started job applications. I thought I was good. I had an amazing CV with a stacked list of achievements from all the internships I have completed in my degree, with my studies and volunteering abroad, and with my awards and competitions. Nevertheless, I faced rejections. Hundreds of rejections. Every time I received an email that starts with "Unfortunately...", I couldn't help to think of myself as a failure. All of the hard work that I poured for years came to nothing for these companies. Not even one wanted me?

And the kegelisahan came creeping in. What do I even do? Do I keep applying? Should I give up? Maybe I need to do more networking. Should I approach alumni at my targeted companies? At the same time, juggling between my student organization work and my studies, I was a mess.

But those rejections finally made me realize the true power of Qada' and Qadar. Throughout that time, I forgot how Allah is truly the best planner. Whilst it was hurtful that I had to experience so many rejections and hurdles to come to this realization, it made me sit down with my own emotions and truly ask myself, what exactly it is that I really wanted to do.

So, I started revising my strategies and came back to the core. I asked myself what kind of person I wanted to be and which sectors and industries I see myself in. Turned out, all of the applications that I sent were not really a reflection of what I wanted. It was my fault that I romanticized so much of corporate jobs when I could only see myself working in a social impact, working in policy making, especially in education inequality.

Once I set this target, it became clearer to me because I finally realized what I wanted, and I stopped comparing myself to others. How foolish I was to do that when we all have different life goals and aspirations.

And later, one opportunity that felt like the dream job that I ever wanted came at last.

Another thing that really humbled me is that God would only provide you with what is best when the time comes. No matter how hard you try, if it's not the time yet, it won't show up. No matter what.